I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
