i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
