please come you make the beer taste better
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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