U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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