Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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