hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
