True but thats because hes a fetus.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
