Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
