so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
