Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
