enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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