i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
