I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
