so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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