I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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