Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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