Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
