Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she told me i tasted like america
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
