The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
