I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We need to get me chipped asap
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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