Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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