how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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