one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
