I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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