...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
