help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
