i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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