..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
