Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
