i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
