Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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