FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
