wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
