2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
