please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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