Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
