I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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