I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
