I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
