We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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