I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
