He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
