apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
