tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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