I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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