so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
