Just took my morning after pill in the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
