hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
