Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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