Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
